Johnny's Adventures In The Muscle World: Expect The Unexpected

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The situation was not looking good for California Muscle and Johnny. They were now official fugitives and even had a hostage – the waitress Molly.

'What do we do now?!', asked Little J and looked at California Muscle's biceps hoping that the brain of his friend was at least as big as his arm flexors.

'We have no choice but to go and ask my dad for help. It couldn't get any worse', answered California Muscle.

The dad of California Muscles, CT Flat Brain, was a classic lunatic but a tough son of a bitch. He lived in a small apartment located in the ghetto of the town. Technically, he had enough money to live anywhere in the world be has was spending the majority of his income on steroids and growth hormone – he was an addict for over 30 years and believed that life was too short to be small. Once the two men arrived at the address Cali Muscle put Molly in the trunk. She was scared to death and had no idea where she was nor who were her kidnappers.

After a long stair climb California Muscle and Little J were now in front of CT Flat Brain's apartment.

'Knock, knock' {California Muscle}

'What's the password?', said CT Flat Brain while loading a shotgun.

The password was: 'I am a dumb motherfucker with no brain cells left.' but California Muscle was ashamed to tell it in front of Little J so he pushed him away and told him to wait at a distance.

'I am a dumb motherfucker with no brain cells left.', said California Muscle.

CT Flat Brain barely opened the door and observed both men from head to toe. He looked a lot like Charlie Sheen, only with muscle and no hair, so maybe he didn't look like him at all.

'What brings you here? You want to thank me for saving you once again?,' said CT Flat Brain after letting Little J and California Muscle enter his dungeon.

'We are fucked, Flat Brain! The police and Antonio Montana are looking for us. We need help!', said California Muscle.

'So, you came back to daddy, after all!', said CT Flat Brain and smiled. His teeth looked like total garbage.

'Yes, but don't flatter yourself.', replied California Muscle.

After Cali Muscle and Johnny explained in details what happened to them CT Flat Brain made a proposition:

'The way I see it, {laughs} the only way to get out of this situation is to cut a deal with the police and in return promise them to find strong evidence that Antonio Montana is the biggest supplier of illegal growth hormone and steroids in the country.', said CT Flat Brain while showing with his face expressions and intonation that he considered Little J and Cali mentally challenged individuals who probably believed bodybuilding supplements were useful.

Suddenly, out of the blue, the unexpected happen.

'Boom, bam, boom' was heard and the door of the apartment was opened. It was Molly. She was holding two guns. It turns out she was a bad girl after all and was hiding two lady guns in her high heel shoes the whole time. She was mad.

'Everybody on the floor and put your hands where I can see them.', screamed Molly.

Little J and California Muscle immediately dropped on the floor but CT Flat Brain was like:

'Give me a break, blondie! I am not scared of your water guns.'

Molly shot him in the foot and said: 'Obey, old fart!'. CT Flat Brain fell on the ground and said:

“At least this time your brought a real girl home, Cali!”.

Molly made Johnny tie California Muscle and his dad to the radiator and then locked Little J in the guest room. All the money, credit cards and even steroids of the Three Musketeers were gone.

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Pavel Tsatsouline and John Du Cane - It's All About Marketing

I've written a lot of posts on Pavel Tsatsouline. He was a great part of my lifting career because of his large Internet presence. I have some sort of love hate online relationship with him. It's mostly switching to hate because of a large disappointment caused by my ignorance rather than by Pavel himself.

One of the reasons I kinda feel cheated is the fact that I used to believe most of the crap he writes in his books just like a teenage boy believes in bullshit muscle magazines. 

For newbies: The secrets of professional bodybuilders are not reps and sets. It's all about steroids, growth hormone, IGF-1, insulin, dieuretics, recreational drugs and gay 4 pay. (Thank me later)

The whole career of Pavel Tsatsouline is based on "The Russian Training Secrets". However the funny thing is that the guy is not even from Russia. He grew up in Latvia. I guess "Latvian Training Secrets" does not sound as gangsta as "Russian Training System".

There are a lot of misleading information in most of his book. Some books like Beyond Bodybuilding seem to be like the ultimate way to confuse someone - the book is like a collection of articles some of which even repeat. On top of that there isn't a single article on steroids which are a must if you ever want to be a "real" bodybuilder. But let's forget about all that and go to the sexy part - DragonDoor's marketing.

Pavel and the whole Dragondoor crew are millionaires for one simple reason - insane marketing and digging into the minds of easily brainwashed people. Steve Maxwell (another fitness guru) even indirectly accused the kettlebell crew of creating fake biographies in order to promote kettlebells. Whether Pavel did it is hard to tell and I am not motivated enough to search the biographies of the old timers presented in his books. One thing is certain however - many of the subjects in the books of Pavel are product of his imagination. For example in Power To The People he presents "a routine for mass" called The Russian Bear. He talks about a Russian commando who got huge using the program. However how can you really tell if that person existed ? I seriously doubt it. But wait there's more...

The book Convict Conditioning by Paul "Coach" Wade is like a Hollywood movie. Paul Wade is supposedly a convict who got mad strong using the exercises in the book. The funny thing is that Paul Wade actually does not exist. The publishers decided increase the popularity of the book by using an old trick - mystery. People like mysteries and since we have all seen prison movies where tough motherfuckers do push-ups we are attracted to the idea of training that way, sometimes it's even in our subconscious minds. We all started training because we wanted to be tough. Life is scary and hard so I guess becoming tough helps. Training like a convict (who in movies are often presented as good bad boys who get the girl ) becomes cool. That's how the legend of Paul Wade was born. Oh wait !!! It gets better there's even an interview with Paul Wade: http://zacheven-esh.com/convict-conditioning-interview-with-coach-paul-wade/

Reading the interview just makes me: 

The guy in the pictures of Convict Conditioning was actually the man behind BeastSkills.com. He said all he did was send pictures to DragonDoor.com and he never actually met Paul Wade. Maybe because you cannot meet someone who does not exist ? Also another interesting question is why such bad ass like Paul Wade was not used as model for the pictures ? I guess FBI was after his ass for spreading information about super secret bodyweight exercise more effective than nuclear weapon.

The answer could be found once more in the disclaimer of the book which goes like this:

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This book is intended for entertainment purposes only. This book is not biography. The names, histories and circumstances of the individuals featured in this book have accordingly been changed either partially or completely.

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I guess it's ok to invent a person that never existed if you write a disclaimer.

Here's cool comment I found on Dragondoor.com while digging for dirt:

Click On Image For Larger View

Obviously there are a lot of diverse stories about the magical skills of this gangsta convict but believe me - it's all about the hype. In case you fail to see the obvious fraud I would be glad to see a video of you doing 100 single arm push-ups done the way your idol Paul Wade describes them. You should be able to do this by the time Dr. Dre is ready with Detox. 

See you in next life. 

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