Saturday, December 28, 2013

Johnny's Adventures In The Muscle World: Love Story

Click here for previous chapter.

Johnny knew he was fat as hell because of all the milk he drank as recommended by Coach Phat Toe. There was no point denying the obvious. His rear got so big that even the pants of his dad were small for his monstrous gluteus maximus.

'Fuck you, Phat Toe! You stupid fucktard!', said Little J while desperately trying to get into the biggest pair of pants he found.

Johnny was really angry at Coach Phat Toe but he was even angrier at himself for getting further away from his goal to get the physique that was going to get him all the girls. Little J decided that from now on he was only going to listen to people who have already accomplished his goal instead of paying attention to the “wannabes.”

'I am going to get in shape and girls will be 'miring¹', screamed Johnny.

The young man opened the fridge. There were about 8 bottles of milk he was supposed to drink today as part of the eating regimen recommended by Coach Phat Toe. Little J was a naive young man but he was not easy to con when it came down to business. While most spoiled kids would have thrown all that milk in the garbage Johnny decided to sell it. He removed the old labels and used the super computer of his dad to print new ones that were saying:

Muscle Milk For Mama's Man: Get Stronger Now!

Johnny even placed an image of a bodybuilder in posing trunks on the label. The finished product looked very professional. In about an hour Little J was already in front of Crap Is Golden Gym.

Johnny was screaming: 

'Save a kitten! Buy Muscle Milk for Mama's Man!' 

Unfortunately, nobody seemed interested in the product of Johnny because it looked just like regular milk. Why would anybody buy regular milk from Johnny for twice the price? This is when Little J came up with an exceptional idea. He went to the closest supermarket and bought the biggest box of liquid chocolate he could found. Then he went back home where he carefully inserted equal amounts of liquid chocolate in all 8 bottles of milk. He shook each bottle for about 5 minutes. The end results were amazing and Muscle Milk For Mama's Man looked very exotic and had that “What the hell is this?” look to it.

The next day Little J. took his new creation back to Crap Is Golden Gym. This time however he decided to first do a little cardio before going outside to sell his new production. Johnny was already 10 minutes deep into his run on the treadmill when suddenly he heard a female voice:

'Give me something to drink! I am dying here!'

A girl from the CrossFit² group was severely dehydrated. However, Crap Is Golden Gym had a policy according to which sharing water between customers was not allowed. The main idea behind such rule was to force everybody to buy beverage from the bar. Johnny acted on impulse, grabbed one Muscle Milk For Mama's Man and gave it to the woman. She attacked the bottle like a hungry wolf and drank the whole thing.

'Thank you!', said the CrossFit girl.

Suddenly, almost from nowhere, a big man arrived to the scene of the accident and asked:

'How are you baby? What happened? I was in the locker room sharing supplement powders with the boys.', said the big man and kissed the CrossFit girl.

'Honey, I am so happy you are here. I was really thirsty and almost passed out but thanks to this young man I feel fine. He gave me a great drink', said the girl with the most spoiled voice in the world and pointed towards Johnny who was holding the bottle of Muscle Milk For Mama's Man. The big man impolitely took the bottle from the hands of Little J and started reading the label. After about 40 seconds he said:

'If my girl turns into the Hulk because of your elixir I am going to break you in half and donate your fat cells to a sumo wrestler. Do you get it? Tell me you get it!'

This is when the CrossFit girl stopped him and said:

'Honey, leave him alone! He saved me. Let's go shopping!'

Then the couple headed towards the exit while Johnny couldn't take his eyes off the CrossFit girl.

'She is going to be mine one day.', said Johnny through his teeth.

For next chapter click here.

¹ 'miring - short for admiring: i.e. you mirin son?

² CrossFit - CrossFit is the principal strength and conditioning program for many police academies and tactical operations teams, military special operations units, champion martial artists, and hundreds of other elite and professional athletes worldwide.