Tuesday, February 11, 2014

First World Problems In The Office

I just love the spoiled bitches working in offices. I love them and not just because some of them represent sexual objects. I love them for who they truly are – stupid bitches. It’s amusing watching them fight over trivial things such as determining who has stolen the paper clips or who has eaten the lunch of the boss. It makes me happy because first world problems are just funny and illustrate once again that reality is a personal thing. As the old saying goes: “it is gay only if you want it to be gay”.

Offices are cool places where the amazing happens – people type on computers and don’t even talk to each other. They just type, type & type. All you hear are the keys on the keyboard being pressed. The very sound I am hearing as I am writing this post. Click-click-click… It helps if your keyboard is made in China – it clicks even better, and every single click reminds you that the workers who have made your keyboard most likely do not even have enough money to buy it because of the thing we call “free trade”m which is nothing more than exploitation and slavery. But luckily we work in an office and we don’t have to think about those kind of things. Office workers are considered evolved individuals who were chosen by God to enjoy the benefits of life and all other poor bastards got what they deserved. Yeah, try harder.

Cubicle warriors are still slaves – they just don’t realize that BIG BROTHER is watching. Think about it for a second – in this day and age almost everybody can afford some kind of a computer that has a writing program and ability to connect to the Internet. Well, by saying “everybody” I mean everybody besides the people working in computer factories. They are allowed only to look and touch – but there is no time to play. But what about employees who have personal computers, why should they even go to the office in order to do their work? Can’t they just stay home in pajamas all covered in chips and do their meaningful work from the comfort of their own toilet? {You will need a laptop or a very long cable for that}. Why is there a need to rent an office space which you will have to ultimately share with idiots who in a few months will become nothing more than freaks you would like smash with your keyboard. The answer is control and sex abuse.

How is your boss supposed to control you if he can’t see you? How in the world is he supposed to scream at you? On the phone, you say? Screaming on the phone is not as much fun and you won’t be able to feel his shitty breath. It won’t be a 3D experience, as they say. That’s why you have to be present in the office and you better wear a short skirt because the dick of your boss ain’t gonna go up by itself. You gotta show some team spirit. Yeah, show a little flash! Make it spicy! Oh yeah! It does not matter how old your boss is – a tit is a tit, an ass is an ass and a pervert is a pervert. But wait there are more benefits you get to experience in the office space – the pleasure of sharing a room with dead zombies.

Have you ever been in a call center? It’s very similar to a duck farm – lots of noise and no real words. Despite what the TV wants you to believe people don’t get that close when they work in offices. If you work in an office and you get too close with someone you are basically screwed. What are you going to do for the next 10 years each time your turn your head a few inches and you see the person who knows you have a small dick? Yeah, it’s a nasty experience. A true first world problem so to speak. 5 minutes of fun for 10 years of suffering is a deal only a mad man would sign. But let’s see the glass as half full. Let’s be optimistic as Oprah wants us to be. She is a millionaire, therefor she must know what she is talking about. Let’s imagine that you truly fall in love with your co-worker and the illusion of affection you’ve watched in movies is mutual. What’s next? Well, you are not going to like what’s coming next – the destruction of illusions. 

The more time you spend with something or someone the less you love it/him/her/them. For example look at your ears – when was the last time you thought about your ears. They must feel lonely. {If you are Dumbo ignore this question.} Now, cut your ears! An amazing thing has happened – you suddenly miss them much more. Like everything in life – you learn the true value of something only when you lose it. In order to keep the affection between lovers, sometimes, you have to be separated. Otherwise, you may just as well lay in the coffin - right now! After all, you have agreed to spend eternity together. Why wait? You can even record it in HD and upload it on YouTube to share your happiness. Yeah, I knew you will reject my offer. Go make yourself some coffee in the office kitchen. I know you want to.

The office kitchen is an interesting place where all the gossip takes place. “Hey, did you know that person X has a really small cell phone and it is not as nice to the touch as in the ad?”, “Hey did you know that person X is playing for the left team?”, “Hey, did you know that person X smells like dead duck?”. It goes on and on. That’s why some smart bosses install hidden cameras in the kitchen. The next time you go to the kitchen of your office be aware – big brother is watching and depending on your outfit Big Brother maybe also be playing.

The Office Space and its first world problems – gotta love it.

{originally written for brusi-music.com}