Monday, February 10, 2014

Public Transportation – Survival of the Fittest {Fit In Or Die}

Public transportation is where the ideas for all porn movies are born – animal porn, insect porn, robot porn, Lego porn – it all started in the head of a pervert traveling on a public train with hundreds of equally crazy people around.

One of the fastest ways get a really good grasp on the street culture of a specific town is to study its public transportation. Fuck sightseeing, that's for the nerds. It's common knowledge that people tend to make popular places shiny only to steal the money of tourists. It's on the street where all the action happens. Streets talk louder than monuments. Are you listening?

When using public transportation one is able to see representatives of all three main social classes – poor, more poor and very poor. Of course, occasionally there is a CEO whose car is in the shop and if you are lucky enough you may get to smell his shitty perfume – businessmen are all overdosing in order to hide their natural scent known as: “I fuck people up for a living – I'm loving it!” It gets even better when businessmen start talking about their first world problems on their 10-inches phablets:

'Hi honey, I had a really bad day?'

'What happened, darling?'

'I had to fire that bitch, Susan. She started crying too much after her husband died. It was getting annoying.'

'Fuck that bitch and her three kids, honey. I am waiting for you naked in the bedroom. My l-o-v-e. Take your Viagra now. I want to fuck you as soon as you pass through the door. Miss U!'

After the analysis of the CEO is complete and you move your head a little bit to the side you see the really fat girl sitting next to you. She listens to music, usually sad and depressing – the kind of music producers of modern food want you to listen to in order for sales of Oreo cookies and skittles to go up. He doesn't love you. Here's a cookie..and here's one more. You didn't think it's all left to chance, did you? Letting fate decide is something only losers are known to do. You don't make the big bucks that way. Now, let's leave the fat girl alone with her satanic music that is supposed to help with losing weight through sacrifice and see what's waiting for you on the other side.

{turns head to the other side}

Surprise! It's an old woman dressed like Miley Cyrus with all kinds of flash showing from all kinds of holes. She is reading a sophisticated yet pointless book – most likely some superficial stuff written by Paulo Coelho and dedicated to his golden stick. The golden rule for a best selling book these days is as follows – promise people that they can get everything for nothing and you are a millionaire. Seriously, people fall for all kinds of crazy things – reptiles ruling over the world, talking aliens, Osama Bin Laden, voting, banks...It's scary.

Unfortunately all of this ends during rush hour when all the hungry animals go home to re-load the batteries. I've seen some crazy stuff happen. It's like the jungle all over again. All kinds of wild creatures are running around you and the s-c-r-e-a-m. Oh! Boy! They not only scream they fucking murder the sonic spectrum. Only tough motherfuckers survive.

Once you are in the boiler your true spirit is undergoing some serious testing. The optimist in you thinks that most likely you will get lucky and all people around you will be hot girls hungry for male flash but of course this only happens in the porn movies and we all know the difference between reality and porn is at least 10 inches. In other words wake up! There are only sweaty dudes around you.

That would be 10 bucks, sir. I hope you enjoyed your trip.