Thursday, February 6, 2014

What It Takes To Be a True Businessman

I love businessmen. They are very interesting animals to observe. The empty expression on their faces, the pedophile smile and before all – the Judas look in the eyes are important traits of a true businessman. This combination never fails to deliver some good shit. Watching businessmen in group is like watching a gathering of robots who try to screw each other over. The only difference is that robots have bigger male pride. When the businessman is not meeting other representatives of his fucked social layer he counts on large variety of soulless activities to keep himself busy - you just can't be a real businessman without being busy. But please don't confuse being busy with being active.

Businessmen spend a lot of time on their smart-phones. According the latest statistics the CEO of a medium size company considers his phone an equivalent to his dick. They really love those little gadgets – it makes them feel like James Bond or something. You may have a company for teddy bears but when you pull out that sexy smart-phone you transform into a spy agent. The whole point of being a businessman hides in looking busy, as suggested from word itself. If you don't look really busy you are not a real businessman. It's almost irrelevant how you achieve that state as long as you scream at your employees as often as possible. If you can scream and look busy at the same time it's even better. If you can do all that and receive a blow job from your 20 year old secretary you are among the highest businessmen in the universe. If you can do all that while dying you have reached the rank of Steve Jobs – the ultimate CEO that rules the company from his grave.

Another thing that is part of that sexy businessman look is the sex addict/somewhat pedophile smile. It's really tough to make it in the world of business if you are not some sort of sex pervert or at least look like one. The cool thing is that if you are not one the only thing you would have to do is hire female employees who wear short skirts, place every single document in the first drawer and watch them bend over time after time. While they are bent over spank them to make that ass bounce and voila – you are a pedophile and a sex offender – good qualities every businessman should have. Hold on! We are not done yet. A true businessman is never complete without the Judas eyes.

To be a successful businessman you have to be able to fuck people over before other businessmen fuck them first. That is the end goal of every businessman – to fuck the little man first because the little men does not have money for a second or third ride. What you see is what you get. For that to happen you need to be Judas, you need to be a back stabber and as socially ruthless as possible in order to end up on top – with cigar in the mouth. There is no other way around – nice boys usually get to fuck last and nobody likes leftovers.

There are also other equally important qualities that a true businessman should master. One of them is the art of overdosing disgusting perfumes. Businessmen tend to smell a lot like shit and in order to cover that aura a ton of expensive scent has to be sacrificed. Unfortunately, it all goes to waste since after a few hours of intensive smart-phone sessions the businessman is one big fat pig again. A cool addition to the accessories of a true businessman is also the professional handshake.

The professional handshake is a sophisticated form of handshaking meant hide whether you have masturbated before the meeting – a weaker grip is a sign of a recent session. This could be a problem because businessmen are not supposed to do it. That's why when a businessman shakes your hand he usually tries to grip yours as hard as possible in order to erase all traces of his browsing history which otherwise are transmitted to you through his hand.

Yeah, it's a complicated game. But that money ain't gonna make itself – somebody has to do it, for you.

Gotta love business.